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I heard of a person who has given up smoking for 12 years. To this day they still have thoughts of smoking again. Thoughts and justifications for smoking just one cigarette.
I've been there; it hurts.
Perhaps there is no solace for me in this lifetime. All I can do is breath through the temptations and thoughts. This is the only tool I have to help myself. It is the only one that works.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste. |
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It's been well over a month since I stopped playing video games, I'm not sure how long exactly, but it's been a while. I'm now facing some serious temptations to start playing World of Warcraft again. I almost went to Best Buy after work today to purchase the game; I had previously uninstalled all my games and destroyed/gave away all my game CDs.
I started playing Runescape again this week; I just quit that game again. I closed my eyes, type some random letters in Windows notepad, selected the entire text, cut it, and pasted it in the new password prompt. I then copied some random text on the webpage so I may never know what the password is.
I have quit World of Warcraft before and all games entirely before as well. I would then go through a period of searching for something to fill the void. I would take this time to clean up my life and try to find some direction or purpose. The last time I remember going through this "cycle" I had ended up programming games. This time around, I started learning about Java, but had no real direction.
I'm not certain exactly why I decided to learn Java, but from what I remember posting here before, it may have been about seeking a way to change the company I work for, or to find a new job. My original desire to program was from the starting point of making video games. That was the entire reason I went to college; to learn how to make games. Now with them out of the picture, I'm left wondering what to do now.
I think I only really enjoyed programming when I had the thought of how I could apply what I was learning towards making games. I remember being on ADD medication, Adderall/Amphetamine salts, and during that time I would program extensively almost as if the pills gave me a passion to do so. Without them, I could not focus on programming; I think I find it boring now. For reasons I could not fully explain, I just had to stop taking that medication. I'm not sure why exactly, but it was if something within me was telling me not to continue with the medications. After learning to clear my mind and my diet, I'm finding that the ADD was never there; it was more than likely a symptom of my problems.
I was also spending some time watching movies and videos on the internet to pass time. I watched a lot of the top movies of all time on the IMDB list. There were some great movies, but if anything it's just a distraction. I recently watched a lot of the anime "Zero no Tsukaima." I think I may have replaced one addiction with another.
I ended up with the thoughts to return to World of Warcraft when I started watching videos about it. It's as if there is something within me luring me back to my past. I find myself thinking of justifications for playing and have thoughts about how much fun I would have. Knowing what I had become the last time I played that game, I don't think I can ever go back.
The pursuit of purpose I now have seems delusional; there really can not be a purpose here, only direction, and the direction I may be headed seems dishonest and self destructive. I have been battling the big question "what do I do now?" for some time. The answers I come up with seem to lead me down a distractionary path or a path headed towards my previous problems. Perhaps the path truly is inward and not outward. My recent self reflection and self honesty has revealed a lot of what I had become to myself, and I'm correcting these things toward less destructive path.
I feel that I need to leave this world for some reason, perhaps to leave this all behind. I find this world disturbing and the body in which I occupy I find limited and easily corruptible. This world feels like a prison that I make for myself; the walls are transparent and omnipresent creations of my mind. The mind itself feels vastly limited, limiting, and destructive; it's like shackles, bonds that have been placed on me, but by whom if not by myself? |
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Has anyone ever told themselves that they love themselves? Not from a conceited self centered point, but from a genuinely honest one; the kind of delusional most people have for another in marriage.
There is one person that has been there for you always. They love you even if you lie to them; even if you tell them that you hate them. This one person has given you life and will stay with you and live as long as they can. This person has been through all your bad times and all your good times. They know everything about you and there are never any secrets between you. This person will never lie to you and you can trust them forever. This person will never break your heart and will never leave you; even in death. This person helps you through the rough times and guides you back to who you are when you are lost. How can anyone not love this person? It is the ultimate definition of true, unconditional love.
Yet, every day, people turn from themselves and seek out a better love; be it God, a spouse, or something that gives them excitement; only to be let down when grasping the reality of the impermanence of these things and through the dispelling of the disillusionment of their dishonest origin.
It is a strange concept, loving oneself, but so is the concept of self-honesty. Yet, without these things, our lives become a nightmarish mess; much like the wrath of a scorned lover. I told myself that I love myself, not for the desire of the feeling of being loved, but out of pure self-honesty; anything else is deceit. |
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Jun. 10th, 2009 @ 04:19 pm
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A lot has changed within me. Suddenly I'm showering dailly, shaving daily, brushing my teeth daily. I stopped playing computer games a while ago, and now theres a lot of time to fill. I've been watching movies, good ones, but this needs to end as well; I will not replace one addiction with a new one. I gave up television years ago, I'm not going to adopt videos on the internet and movies as it's replacement.
I recently cleaned my room. I washed all my clothes that have been sitting around for quite a while now. I can actually see the floor and walk on it without getting random crap stuck to my feet. It had gotten so bad at one point that I was wearing the same pair of pants to work for months. I certainly was not working towards supporting my physical body.
Now I'm back on my MMS regimine currently at 6 drops daily. I'm getting diahrrea at this point; I'm taking the dose increase slowly this time. Once I reach the 15 drop dose and maintain it for a while to clean my system, I will drop back down to the recommended maintainence dosage. I may need to work on maintaining a better diet.
The apartment I live in is still a shithole, but it's my roomates; I'm just renting. This means I am not taking responsibility for his filth; maybe I should. My roomate appears to be running a female stripper business. He has been purchasing random advertisement crap like pens and bottle openers that are made in China. He has a bright pink sign on the side of his car advertising his business. It sickens me. His lifestyle bothers me. What really bothers me is myself; I still masturbate to porn. I suppose this perpetuates the stripper business.
I still have some demons to face in my life. I have some habbits that need to stop, nail buting, nose picking, masturbation, and waking up late. Once this is taken care of, I need to get another job. I've been thinking about working for some non profit organization, not to mention the fact that I currently find my job a pointless waste that only perpetuates the very system I am trying to put an end to.
It seems like I may have become my father. We both went to the same college and dropped out of it. He maintains engines, I maintain software engines. He went through a job he stuck with for many years in frustration and eventually quit, I feel like I may be doing the same.
I feel like I have no purpose in life here, and I have accepted that; I no longer seek purpose. For many years I was possessed with a demon that consumed my life. Ever since I started playing Nintendo 20 years ago, I was not myself; the addiction consumed me. Now, it feels like a burden is gone. Now I have to actually live my life for the first time in my life. I don't know what to do, but I will live.
I will work towards living with a starting point of self honesty and equality; this is how to break the system. However, the system we live in, this existence, was created in inequity with the fundamental construct of competition for survival. How can I overcome all of existence as I have accepted to know it and still live here? |
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I had an idea last night to possibly work out a medicial information system that would be free for all to use. I was thinking about observing the existing system from the company I work for, Meditech, as an example to build off of.
Java seems like a good place to start considering how easy it may be to integrate software over the internet through various operating systems and even handheld devices. I'm sure if this ever gets off the ground that there may be a large community that could spring from it and develop it more. |
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Java
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May. 31st, 2009 @ 05:15 pm
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I recently (re)discovered an interesting programming language called Java. It seems to resolve all the issues I found in C++. It isn't perfect, but it seems to be something worth playing with. Along with this, I found a new integrated development environment called Netbeans which I feel may replace Microsoft Visual Studio 2005, potentially forever.
I'm now working with Swing, which is a package within Java that is used to make graphical user interfaces. I'm certain there is a better way to make GUIs in Java than by handwriting code, however this would be a great opportunity to learn the language better much like how any author would practice their language before writing a novel. |
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May. 20th, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
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I came here to check on a download link on my profile and I figured I'd post an update. Life has been a bit more peaceful since I've cleared my mind of fears and judgements of others, but it isn't without its problems. Things have been rather quiet and I haven't too much to worry or complain about other than work which still seems a little pointless, redundant, and inefficient, however at one point I was trying to contribute to helping, but I've quieted down a bit, which is what led me here.
For some reason I'm feeling a need to get back into programming, other than what I do at work. I purchased a very large book on Java and intend to read it in a week or two. I'm not sure if I am going to do any development with it on my own, but I always wanted to learn about it.
I came here to download my code for my game engine I wrote years ago to pick up where I left off. I've pretty much given up all video games at this point, and really do not have any intention to play or program them. I do, however, have an idea for something to work on. I've recently been making ant farms; an old childhood hobby. I thought it would be a very interesting project to model the life of the ant organism and let people congregate together online in this program to experiment with a different form of existence: that of the insect world.
The idea of an online program made me think of Java; it is designed to work on multiple platforms over the internet. This is exactly what I might need, however I've been thinking of sticking with the good old C++. I wanted to use Microsoft Visual Studio as a development environment, however it doesn't seem to support Java; it only works with J# which is not exactly Java and I doubt will produce the programs I need. Either way, off I go. |
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It appears that people are addicted to their mind. It is almost as if we are afraid of being alone, because this would mean facing ourselves and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become. Often people take shelter in emotions and feelings, both the happiness and sadness, to avoid having to face their fears or self judgements.
These fears, emotions, and feelings is the mind guiding you back to who you truly are. We have accepted and allowed ourselves to become the emotions, so much so, that we have become addicted to them and can't live without them. This is a trap, we will forever be trapped by that which we accept and allow ourselves to become.
As Bruce Lee said, "Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless like water. Put water into a cup; it becomes the cup. Put water into a bottle; it becomes the bottle. Put water into a teapot; it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend." |
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I was laying on my stomach on top of my bed facing to the side with my arms extended and crossed over in front of me. With my eyes open all the time, I focus on my breathing as consistant and cyclical I think. Each time I would think, I would breath it in from my mind and then out. After a while of doing this, I noticed my arm was fading, almost as if it were turning into the blue bed sheets that it lay on. It dissapeared, but then I felt a little afraid and it came back. This happened a second time. I believe I felt a little scared the second time and it returned as normal.
At one point between these two moments, it was almost as if the darkness was coming, creeping in, replacing what I was seeing. It was only slightly and I pushed it away. I was not sure what this all meant. I considered that I was the bed, or that I was realizing the illusion of perception. It could have been both for all I know. All this without any drugs... |
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So, after that interesting experience last night of almost leaving my body. I had some trouble trying to fall asleep. I was concerned that I might go back into that state of leaving my body. I was concerned about how I was breathing, and that I was breathing. The pattern of breath would worry me, so I broke the pattern and just breathed like I did before. All the while, I had a very clear mind, I was able to push out any thought, feeling, and emotion, with the exception of the concern for going back into that state. I think that pushing out thoughts was the problem.
I got up and watched the third movie in the Matrix series and felt a little tired at the end of it. I went back to my bed to sleep and slowly relaxed myself, forgiving myself for feeling and I laughed at the absurdity of it all. In trying to sleep, I ended up working, actually working, to put thoughts into my mind again. Somewhere around this time, 3AM I believe, my roomate and his friend(s) came home. I heard a woman with him. Normally I would judge him and feel anger towards what he does, his sex driven life, but I let that all go already. Somewhere along the process of putitng thoughts back into my head, I fell asleep. I worried that I might not ever fall asleep and would go insane in the process. How funny that all sounds now. |
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