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Freedom (a postmortem) Jan. 10th, 2012 @ 01:47 pm
Freedom, it's something I haven't felt in quite a while, both physical and emotional freedom. While I may have gained physical freedom, I'm still struggling with emotional freedom.

I have finally ended a bad codependent relationship with my girlfriend that lasted almost two years. She told me it was the longest relationship she had ever been in. I had stuck by her through some rough times. I was financially supporting her for a long time. My whole hope for her was to help get her on her feet. I felt bad for her, really bad. She was living on her friends couch in Utah, had no car, no license, poor work opportunities, little freedom.

I had fallen in love with her years ago when I was going through some really troubled times we talked all the time, sometimes it was more than I wanted to talk, but it was nice to actually have someone in my life that cared. It was nice to be desired. I wasn't going to visit her any time soon because of financial reasons. I helped her trough her troubles and even saved her life when she was very suicidal. However, over time, she found someone else and ended it with me. I was hurt, very hurt. And just like that, she was gone, completely, from my life. I never spoke with her and moved on.

A couple years ago, we started talking, she was going through a rough marriage and I talked to her about it. Coached her through the troubles she was in. I encouraged her to stand up for what she wanted. By then, she had separated from her husband and was living with her friend, sleeping on her couch. She seemed to develop and unhealthy attachment to me, but I needed it.

I had just started dating women at the time and she was a potential. This time, I could afford a trip to Utah. This time, I could finally be with her. I bought a ticket and visited her, fell in love, and jumped into a relationship right away. I said scary things within the first week of meeting like that she was the kind of woman I could marry. How could I even know something like that having only just met her?! That was a warning sign, the other was her acceptance of such a statement.

I returned home, continued talking with her, and it wasn't long before I had her move in with me. I basically ignored all my conditions of her getting a car, license, and a job lined up before moving out. I was attached to her, more than I realized at the time.

So she moves out here, no car, job, license. She was completely dependent on me financially and emotionally. She had a LOT of baggage to deal with. I should have took pause to think about her ex-husband stating that she was a ball and chain when they goy married; she felt like that now. I could not leave her alone. If I wanted to go anywhere on my own, she would feel terrible and insist on going even if she didn't outright say it. If I disappeared in a store with her, sometimes after being upset with her, she would fear being left alone. She'd joke about eternally being 5 years old with me, emotionally, she was, and possibly still is.

I had withdrawn and at some point fell out of love. It crushed her. I reassured her that there was still a part of me that loved her. She wanted sex often as a reassurance and would often say she loved me towards the end. She had an intense passion for me that seemed a little stronger than it probably should be, but I think I really liked the attention. I, on the other hand, had a lot of trouble finding any passion or love, even before we reconnected.

I went through some really rough times. I had some bad depression, stress from work, stress from her. I was dedicated to help fix our relationship. I went back on my ADHD medication to see if that would help, but it really didn't all that much. I went through therapy for my problems, but it didn't help. I determined that I had a schizoid personality disorder and brought it up with my therapist. The last thing I tried was getting my silver-mercury fillings replaced with ceramic ones. I went on a strong detox diet, got them replaced, and found a new me. A happier me, at least physically.

I can't remember if I ever really found my passion, but there was some love creeping back in, but things were still rough. We'd constantly argue over money, or basically how she didn't have a job, couldn't get one, and how much I wanted her to so she could contribute. She said she always felt bad about me paying for everything. She wouldn't even contribute towards things like cleaning the dishes despite outright telling me that she would always do the dishes and keep the apartment clean before she moved out here. I think that was just a lie. Whenever I'd bring it up, she would make excuses that she was too depressed or tired. True or not, little ever got done around the apartment.

It took me a while to just get her a license so she could use my car to get and keep a job. I had pushed her to get her GED, but that just wasn't going to happen. She had some terrible baggage from her mother home schooling her and failing miserably. I really tried to teach her, really tried to push her, but it never helped. She argued that she didn't need it to get a job. For me though, it was more of an embarrassment and somewhat of a financial issue.

Days turned to months, the work was crappy, she hated it. She barely ever paid the bills and constantly complained about the tiny apartment we were sharing with one other person. She did eventually get a somewhat steady job that she sort of liked, it was almost her dream job, but her boss was terrible. She stuck it out for a while and with this job we decided to move out into a new apartment, a larger, more expensive one.

It was only a month or two before things started to bother her at her job. She would constantly call me about how her boss pissed her off, sometimes she was in tears. It got to the point where I just told her to quit despite not having a new job lined up. Now I would be paying all the bills and paying to feed and clothe her.

Somewhere down the line, I needed to get my own car and gave her my old one so she could have more freedom and flexibility with work. I spent a lot of my money on my new car, furniture for the new apartment, and previously an expensive bed that I had hoped with help with my ADHD problems. Between that, and my expensive dental work, I was basically out of money except for a small safety net I'd keep.

She told me about how she wanted to pursue her modeling career, but it never panned out. She had the connections, but never really made any money. We considered working on a diet and exercise plan several times, even attempted it, but it really didn't help much. I wanted her to get at least some job, but she said that she was young and could really only work on her career at this point in her life before she gets too old and loses out. I reluctantly let her, sometimes it felt like I never had a choice with her. I could either let her have her way or never hear the end of it when she complained about everything that went wrong with work.

I tried to support her in her diet and exercise, but it never really worked out. She didn't really lose any weight, but managed to at least sustain her current weight. She really wanted to make it work, but it had to be done her way. There were some limits on what type of photography she wanted to do, most of it wasn't what people would pay for. She had her mind set on making things work the way she envisioned, but it never did, and she eventually gave up on it as a paying career. I thought she was a very accomplished, beautiful, and talented model; she had a great portfolio, but it just wasn't paying out.

When I confronted her about it and told her that she needed to look for work, we had some conflict. Work, yet again, was hard to find. She told me that she wanted to do some volunteer work at a museum because it would look good on her portfolio and might lead towards paying work. It was something she really wanted to do for work, but yet again, would not pay. I was against the idea, but pretty much had no choice. If I were to suggest she get a local job doing retail work to help pay the bills until she got a better job, she would complain about how much she hates it, how she couldn't work on her feet, and would sometimes even say things like she would not ever be good enough for me and that nothing she ever did was good enough. She seemed to be very manipulative like that.

So this kept going on for a while. Still, she would not contribute to taking care of the apartment as compensation. She almost never took care of the dishes despite now actually having a dishwasher, I took care of that. The only time she seemed to clean anything is when she had friends coming over. She said that she would only clean when things would get really bad and would do it all at once, that was her way of dealing with messes. It sure seems like that's her way with dealing with personal problems; let things pile up to the breaking point and then deal with it all at once. I, on the other hand, preferred to keep things in their place or keep messes localized and controlled and try to live in ways to prevent messes from even becoming a problem.

After much arguing, she eventually got a job at KFC, for my sake I think. Of course, there were problems, she hated it, and even got physically sick several times, mainly because she would overwork herself and I think not take care of herself like she should, possibly out of fear of being a burden on others. Burned herself, went to the hospital. I don't know who's decision it was, but she left that job.

She later got a courier job along side her museum job that she was now getting paid for. At first, she had my old car, which was starting to need some serious repairs. I told her to start saving money for a new one, but that didn't really happen. It wasn't until she neglected to take care of the car I gave her that it broken down for good. It had overheated, something a simple refill on the coolant would have prevented, something a simple checkup at a repair shop would have quickly diagnosed. If she had only had the failing air conditioner/heater checked out it would have been prevented.

Now, she was totally dependent on my new car to drive her long distance courier job. I think it took her killing the car I gave her to finally start saving up for a new one. I started getting concerned about the large number of miles she had been accumulating. My new car started needing more oil changes, and soon, new tires; something she couldn't contribute to. I had confronted her about her poor savings and voiced my concerns over her going out a lot with friends and spending a lot of her money on meals and drinks. At some point, I found a check she lost on the floor of the car.

I had been trying to talk to her about how I would be ok with her using my car like she had been and spending as much as she was. I had said that I was glad to be getting out more, however part of me was really afraid of losing her if I were to ever to tell her to stop. When I would confront her about the money she would spend on her friends, she would guilt me into letting her by saying things like how she would be alone, out of the loop with her friends, and how she would lose them.

All the while, I had long since been hovering financially, living paycheck to paycheck because of her. I had to sacrifice getting the things I wanted like a new guitar, a really nice camera, getting my laptop fixed/replaced, getting my car loan paid off, saving money for my future. With her, there seemed to be no future.

She had started re-discovering her kinky side. She talked to me about starting an open relationship so she could explore that with someone else. She said that I was too playful to be what she needed, what she wanted was not something she wanted from me. I wanted to learn and explore this side of her life with her, but she didn't even want to bother with me stating she was sick of teaching people how to do things the way she wanted. To me, that was rather hurtful, I wasn't even worth her time. She said that there wasn't anything I could do to help change things because she knew me for too long. Things, to her, felt awkward from me.

She had suggested an open relationship, I reluctantly accepted because I thought that I really had no choice. She would probably leave me or cheat on me if I didn't agree with it. Of course, I was afraid to say so, I was afraid of being alone and losing her. It was around this time, maybe even before then that things were really falling apart. She was starting to fall out of love with me, she grew tired of the arguing.

I had started to get into the fetish lifestyle and wanted to be a part of her life in that way. She wanted someone to be her "sir" where she would submit to him, but he would not be her "master" where she would be in control if things didn't suit her. I couldn't give that to her, she didn't want that from me. I enjoyed giving her the spankings, flogging, biting, but I could NEVER give it to her like her new play partner was allowed to.

She would get mad at me if I were to joke about spanking her as punishment for acting up with me. She was incredibly possessive about who she would submit to. I liked to play around like that knowing nothing would ever amount to it. She hated it and resented me for it. She got so mad one time, she threw something at me in anger, this wasn't the first time she's done that too.

I had grown more attached to her than she wanted and was capable of giving emotionally. I think she thought that an open relationship would let me find another person that I could connect with emotionally to make things easier for the both of us. It was difficult for me to find anyone that would date me given my situation, and I found few women that I was attracted to. It never really worked out for me, but for her things were looking up.

She would get the shit beaten out of her by her "sir" and would come home with bruises and bite marks. I had to face those and when you compound that with the lack of affection she had been giving recently, it hurt like hell. I felt like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I felt incredibly jealous and angry. She would try and placate my emotional needs with, what felt like to me, empty affection. Consolation love and sometimes love out of obligation.

Her relationship with this other man was a little fucked up. He had a slave that didn't like my girlfriend. He had to keep their friendship a secret. He even changed her name on his phone just to prevent any issues. He lied a lot, and put my girlfriend through hell. I had to listen to all the shit she was going through. It was like a punch in the face sometimes, but I tried to be there for her despite my hurt feelings.

It seemed like the more she got attached to this new man, the less interested she was in me. She put an ultimatum on this man to break up with his slave or she would leave his life. At some point, he did break up and they started a relationship, my girlfriend seemed to quickly grow attached to him. Soon after, he lied to her. One night he went to his photo studio to be with his slave and she was pissed. In the end he got back together with his slave and the three of them had to reconcile things.

All the while, I was hurting terribly. She grew more and more distant, spent more time with him, never "wanted" to go out with me, would never tell me she loved me, said that she felt GLAD that I didn't give her a kiss goodbye when she dropped me off at work. I had become just a friend to her, a shoulder to cry on when things went bad with her boyfriend, her financial and emotional support. I was basically paying her bills while she dated other men and distanced herself from me.

She felt bad, didn't want to break up with me because of the pain I would have to endure, but the pain of being with her and getting nothing, always wondering where I stood in her life, was just too much. We had talked about breaking up because we effectively weren't in a relationship. I just couldn't take the pain anymore I had to end it, but I was just so afraid to do so.

She had damaged my car pretty bad, the repairs would cost about $1,000, which was most of what she had saved up for a car. On the way home one night, she said that I would have to cancel the repairs I had scheduled and wanted her to pay for since she was responsible and that she was spending the money on a down payment for a car that her boyfriend was helping get. There was no questioning it, she didn't give a shit about what I wanted and I was pissed. How could she arrogantly disregard my decision and not even discuss it? It was just like how she didn't even consider me when she decided to not ask me about shaving her private area so her new boyfriend could wax it.

I had enough, the money was one thing, the disregard and emotional pain was almost the breaking point. She said that she didn't love me anymore and didn't know if she ever would. I had suggested we go into therapy as a couple and see if we ended therapy just as friends. She didn't want to try. She was done, the impression I was getting was that there was nothing that could be done and that she didn't want to try and work through my problems. It seemed like she found someone else to be attached to and I was finally realizing what I was doing to myself. I told her that she would have to leave and it already seemed like she had something lined up with her new boyfriend.

I went through some rough times, fell out of love, got depressed, didn't know what my future would be with her, but I stuck it out. I worked through it all and rediscovered love and passion, but it was all too late. I think I finally learned to love, but that love needs to be put in check. I need to learn to deal with my past so I don't become dependant on someone else emotionally. It hurt me that, despite my dedication and patience during my troubled times, she wouldn't return that level of dedication. She didn't want anything "super serious" she said. It felt like she wanted to call me hers, but not have to commit to anything.

It felt like I was going through the same emotional pain I went through when my parents divorced while I was a child. I started to realize that I had some serious abandonment issues, and noticed that she did too. Despite her not loving me anymore, she would not make the decision to make it official, I had to decide, and so I did.

Now she has moved out and after being apart for a while, she realized that she still loved me. I still question it and wonder if she just doesn't want to lose me from her life yet again so she is just pretending. She said that should would still "like to call me her boyfriend" to use her exact words, now that I think about it, it seems so damn shallow and loveless. We discussed about how she fell out of love citing that it happened because she felt obligated to do so given the financial situation. That I can understand.

I talked to her about how she told me how she manipulated people in the past in relationships to get what she wanted. How she knew how to attack people indirectly to keep them. She told me that I knew her better than that. Did I really? When I was defending the feelings I had and things I've said here with her, I mentioned all this and she was silent. The silence hurt the most. There was a man in her past that she relied on financially, I wonder if that is the situation again.

She's jumped from relationship to relationship, never being alone and independent. Now she is working on getting a car so she can continue working her current jobs, and she is now working in her boyfriends photo studio as compensation. I talked to her about how I hated her boyfriend, how much of a manipulative, arrogant, lying dick he is. She started defending him stating that he was a compulsive liar, that he didn't have a choice, she even went as far as saying it was biological and that this was just how he was. To me, that all sounded like a woman defending her significant other in an abusive relationship.

It seems like she just hopped on over to another bad relationship. She says that he is good to her and takes care of her, but part of me really wonders. She has some jealousy issues with the slave and how they have a history together and wishes she had the same. She needs help and I don't think this is what is best for her, but I have to look out for myself.

I still have feelings for her, but I think they are slowly fading away, mainly from the lack of contact. I guess I'll see once things settle down and she gets her life in line. Right now, the last thing I need is to get back together with her as a boyfriend; I need to heal my wounds and walk through my past through her. Time will tell if she really does love me, if she really does want a relationship or if she is just afraid of losing me.

I'm too nice; I let myself get used. I can't fully blame her. I gave myself to her. Sacrificed my own happiness by my own choice. it was partially my fault for how I let things end up, and I'm not going to let myself go through that anymore. I'm starting to see myself possibly falling back into that trap I was in before. I think I may end up cutting her completely out of my life if I can't get through this; I'm not going to let this mess happen again. I'm very grateful for my friends and family for supporting me through all this.

No Longer Subject Nov. 23rd, 2011 @ 03:19 pm
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Low
Antisocial Personality Disorder:Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Low

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

I remember taking this exact same personality disorder test and had much different results. It felt odd to be hitting no to all of the questions, especially questions I distinctly remember answering yes to. When I was answering these questions differently, I noticed just how much I have changed over the last two years.

I had tested positive for schizoid personality disorder. That was what I had identified with. For years, I told myself that it was ok, that it was normal, that I was happy with it. I know now that I wasn't. I didn't know then because I was so emotionally numb; so isolated from others and my inner self that I never realized how things really were.

Years ago, I felt the need to get into a relationship with a woman. I constantly questioned why to no end. Why would anyone get into a relationship, why do people get into relationships?Back then, I viewed relationships as a "mutual parasitism". Those were my own words. I can't believe I thought that way. Something was pushing me, I was pushing me. It was time for me to grow up. Little did I know what I was in for.

The challenge ahead of me was like no other. I turned to science and adept people in the field of dating and relationship coaches/guides for help. It helped a lot about myself and that the real problems people have with love is within not without. I had worked diligently to build self confidence and abandon my long held self delusion.

Then she came back into my life, a love of mine from years past. She had taken this same personality disorder test and I think she came out as Borderline which is practically the opposite of Schizoid. I couldn't imagine a worse paring of personalities.

We did finally meet and things were great at first; everything seemed just fine, like nothing could go wrong, but that is often the case with relationships involving people with personality disorders. She eventually moved in with me and then things started going downhill. Our personalities collided and resulted in fight after fight, much conflict, anger, and depression. The man that just wanted to be left alone was living with the woman that needed lots of attention and friends.

It took many fights, many "breakups" and many tears until I realized who I really was under the schizoid mask. I now actually want to meet new people. I'm currently in an open relationship with my girlfriend and she insisted that I sleep with other women and date other women. Now, I'm finding myself wanting to meet other women and wanted to talk and interact with people. The games I used to play to escape are the games I'm now starting to escape from. I still have my fun with them and would definitely love nothing more than to share my passion for video games with someone else, but that's no longer the only life I want to live. I'm finding myself choosing meeting new people and actually wanting to have dinner with friends rather than play games all the time.

My life had changed dramatically and it's still evolving now, however so is hers. She wants her own space, her own room, her own independence, to move out. She wants to be less serious, me to be less clingy. She, too had changed dramatically.

My social isolation has left me a little behind in the relationship department. Sometimes I think she just hates me and finds me very annoying, I guess I could understand why, but sometimes she just gets so moody and angry and takes it out on me. I often can't tell if I'm being annoying or if she's just in one of those moods; I wish she would communicate better. I also wish she would be a little more respectful and considerate despite her mood/temper tantrums.

Just this morning she was upset over all the things she has and has no way to organize it in the office room which we decided would soon be her new room. I had suggested she go through her things and throw away some of the stuff she would never use. The night before I had suggested the same and mentioned re-gifting things as a joke; she was rather receptive to the idea at the time. What changed between then and this morning is beyond me, I think she said it was because she was feeling ill, but she seemed fine at that particular time and we have often felt ill in the morning.

When we were driving to work, I had turned on the radio and ended up turning down the volume to a level I was comfortable with. She then proceeded to turn it down further, stating that it was her OCD bothering her because the volume number was uneven, I had never seen this behavior with her before or at least never noticed it. Normally when I want the volume changed I always check with others or at least acknowledge that they might be upset with changing the volume; I look at it as being courteous and polite. Well, I had changed the volume back up to where I was comfortable with, and I'll admit that I did so to be a little bit of a jerk out of fun and not at all in spite; she did not take it well. My impression was that I should have known better.

Then there was the parking sticker on the top left portion of the windshield. It had been distracting me and I had noticed that it was peeling off a little. I had picked at it a little and she got really upset over this for some reason. I had mentioned that it was distracting me I wanted to move it. She stated something along the lines of it being difficult to move, that I should leave it and that it wasn't distracting. It was almost as if I was just an object, like I had no feelings, like I wasn't there and that my thoughts and concerns were irrelevant and wrong, like it was my fault for wanting something. This angered me, and I was afraid to even question it. I was afraid of how she might react. I was afraid I would make things worse. I was afraid that I would end up being to blame for something and more so, believing that I was to blame and was doing everything wrong, that I really was worthless. I really don't like feeling this way at all.

In the past, I would just shrug it off, take the abuse, and accept that what I thought, felt, and wanted was irrelevant and wrong. I avoided conflict out of fear and it slowly tore me up inside. I had done this for years; I would let myself suffer for/because of others because I would think that it was just not worth the effort and that I wasn't even worth it. I would then proceed to internalize this as anger which would accumulate and often lead to depression and suicidal thoughts. After all, why live if you believe you aren't worth living anyhow?

Well, I wasn't going to simply internalize this anger anymore, but I felt that this wasn't a good time or place for me to act on my emotions, so I decided to write this down. Maybe I am annoying her, however I wish she would communicate this better to me so I can correct my behavior. When I feel scared or disturbed by her emotional outbursts, when it feels like I'm walking on eggshells and anything I say will result in me feeling hurt, I just don't know what to do.

I've been trying to give her more space to let her ride out her mood, but I'm not sure if that really helps in the long run. I've tried just sitting there and listening, but it often just feels like I'm just supposed shut up and be a wall; if I ever open my mouth in attempts to be rational or give a different perspective, I simply end up making things worse and get on her bad side. I probably shouldn't take it personally; I can understand the need to vent about things. However, what do I do in situations where it's impossible to give space or simply listen? Do I call out the behavior and risk making things worse or just ride it out until a better time comes to talk? Either way, I'm not going to internalize my anger anymore.

Ironically, this reminds me of when I was being all moody over a year ago and she felt the same way. I'm fairly certain that she said she felt like she was often walking on eggshells with me back then. As I write this, I have been considering having her read it all, but I'm afraid. My thoughts are rather irrational right now; that she's going to point out that I'm wrong and not acknowledge me.

There was this one night when she was exceptionally moody about her open relationship with a friend of hers. To be honest, I was scared to say anything to her; I didn't want to get yelled at or end up making things worse. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said that she didn't. With this in mind, I did something completely illogical, I sat down on the couch near her and waited for her to start talking. Sure enough she started talking.

I saw her digging her nail deep into her wrist; I knew things were really going bad for her. She got up and had me follow her into the bedroom, she needed a little pain, but questioned if she should bother with me inflicting it, so she proceeded to look into getting someone else to help. To be honest, it made me feel a little worthless then.

I really wanted to help her, but she seemed to not want me to even try given my lack of experience. I really wanted to start sharing this kinky part of her life. I'm not sure why she decided to just go with me, but I'm glad she did; this really meant a lot to me, more than I think she understands. To this day, I'm fighting my bad habit of nail biting just so I can be there for her when she may need some serious nails in her back.

Food as medicine Aug. 21st, 2010 @ 11:07 am
I've recently been eating a totally different diet consisting mainly of raw/whole and unprocessed foods and my doc/dentist put me on a detox program with natural vitamin suppliments and chelators to clear out heavy metals from my body. I have to say, I've never felt better in my entire life, both emotionally and physically. At this point I've just about given up on modern medicine and psychology for a more natural/wholistic approach to life. Needless to say, treating symptoms with drugs is NOT in any way a good substitution for treating the cause of the problem. I'm actually not considering that I really no longer need a therapist anymore, but I'm not certain just yet. I'll give it a while and see where things go, but at their current rate, life is looking up for once ever. My ADHD symptoms are starting to disappear and waking up in the morning has not been as painful as it was before. Before, I use to sleep 8 hours and come home and need a nap because I was tired all day. Now I feel much more awake and alive during the day. I'm feeling happy and love for once that isn't directed any any one thing or person in particular, just a general well being.

I took a mercury urine test the day before starting the program and noticed that it was rather low. I took another test a few days after starting detox and it shot up a lot. Unless the pills are interacting with the test results, this confirms my expectations. In about 9 more days, I'm getting these toxic fillings out for good. They will not be missed at all.

Aug. 5th, 2010 @ 03:09 pm
Mercury fillings have been shown to release from 1 to 30 micrograms of mercury gas each day. I have two of these fillings in my mouth. I estimate that I have had them for around 20 years.

20 years x 365.25 days/year (.25 for leap year) = 7,305 days
At 1-30 micrograms/day x 7305 days = 7,305 to 219,150 micrograms or 0.007305 to 0.21915 grams released per filling.
With two fillings that is 0.01461 to 0.4383 grams potentially absorbed into my system.
This is from my fillings alone and this potentially doesn't take in to account my teeth grinding which could increase the ammount released per day. Other potential sources of mercury include foods, especially fish (sushi as well) which can add to the totals that might have accumulated in my body. Mercury does accumulate in the body, and even if it didn't accumulate, the effects of the 1-30 micrograms of mercury released and absorbed into the body has the potential for neurological damage. Mercury is a known neurotoxin, just ask the Mad Hatter.

On average, an amalgam filling weighs 1 gram and contains 1/2 gram of mercury.
I'm not certain of how much my fillings have, but my measurements are below the average mercury content of fillings which indicates that they are not horribly incorrect.

It's hard to accuratly asess chronic mercury poisoning because the symptoms are often not too severe and could be accounted for by other things. I've lived with some of these inexplicable and seemingly untreatable symptoms most of my life and I'm certainly hoping that my upcoming detox and filling replacement will help.

Interesting facts:
The use of mercury amalgams has been banned and are on a scheduled phaseout in Germany, Austria, Denmark and Sweden.

The only place (in America) where these fillings are not considered hazardous toxic waste is in your mouth.

1/2 gram of mercury in a ten acre lake would warrant issuance of a fish advisory for the lake. I'll have to let the state know when I go swimming...

Jul. 28th, 2010 @ 03:01 pm
My doctor didn't seem to believe a word I said about the dangers of mercury in fillings. I'm considering showing him this article in hopes that he might at least think about it. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ellen-brown/the-mercury-mischief-as-o_b_271520.html
He did agree that I should at least eliminate this as a possibility.

I just scheduled a dentist appointment with http://www.grotondentalwellness.com/ for next Tuesday to review having my mercury fillings replaced. If my well being changes as a result of the filling replacement I would be in total shock. The thought of my entire life having been altered as a result of toxic tooth fillings is staggering. Who would I have been had I not had these fillings? Who will I become is also on my mind.

Mercury Poisoning? Jul. 27th, 2010 @ 11:18 am
I might possibly have mercury poisoning from my dental fillings. Couple this with my issues with grinding my teeth and the issue could only be exacerbated. I looked into the issue previously, but was skeptical, however I think now might be a good time to consider this a possible root cause for many of my problems.

I noticed that Jamie had a profound change after her IUD was removed and guess what, those have heavy metals in them that are toxic to the human body. In this case, copper is one of these metals. I don't know if this was the case for Jamie, however I can't help but wonder if I'm having similar problems with my fillings.

The next step would be a test from my doctor.

Jul. 26th, 2010 @ 09:10 pm
I feel little desire to interact with other people, my interactions are often out of the pressure I put on myself to fit in and not appear like an odd person. Relationships are often on face value only, there is zero, and I mean zero emotional investment in any of my friendships. I wish I could say it's not by choice, however, it's a choice driven by how my body motivates me, or in my case, doesn't motivate me.

My life is dull, bland, boring, like my personality, not to be confused with the persona I use to interact with society. There is no motivation to do things, not even sex. With sex, it's usually a desire to get this pesky horniness away so I can continue on with my gray life.

I seem to talk to myself A LOT. I remember an instance where somonee noticed that I was talking to myself, it was at Shannon's birthday party years ago at Mike's house. I'm sure Shannon knows about this party. I wonder if I already am insane, but at least I have some sense of reasonable truth. I suppose if I were to lose my ability to dicern truth, I would finally be bat shit insane. Then they could lock me away forever and pump me full of meds until I managed to find a way to kill myself.

People sometimes scare me, more specifcally, sometimes having to interact with them bothers me, and I can't quite pinpoint what exactlly is driving the fear. I was either too scared or too lazy to confront my roomate about the extra rent I had to pay for my girlfriend. I procrastinated to avoid the interaction with him.

People bore me with their inane conversations over stupid things. Somtimes I find myself feeling superior to these idiots and in my own little world, look down on them in disgust about the dumb things they talk about and about how stupid they are. I have no idea where this contempt ever came from. I know that simple small talk just drives me over the edge, I just want to tell them to shut up and leave me alone. Generally, my blunt answers and silence say more than anything I'm incapable of expressing in words.

Sometimes, silence is the only comfort I find in the world. Somtimes I have to escape from people just to find relief. Searching for a secluded area of a park, preferably somewhere near water with fish has been a relaxing experience for me. However, there is still the fear of being discovered. What would happen if someone found me here? It's an unusual spot for someone to be at. What if they wanted to talk with me over some dumb shit...

Sometimes I have these thoughts or voices in my head, fortunatly for me, these voices are only my own. They often wonder if this person doesn't like me or if I did something wrong. Did the guy cooking at the grill forget about me? Did he possibly hear me talking earlier this morning about the job he replaced? Did he get angry with me for coming in line this morning just when they closed the breakfest grill line? Does he just hate me? Will he actually make what I asked for? He hates me, I want this fantasy to be true so I can yell at him in disgust about how he obviously hates his job and walk away in disgust. It's just me really. I'm the one that hates my job.

I'm paranoid and insane. God is a sadistic lizardman that created and enslaved all of humanity. We're stuck here living out hell on a daily basis. Life is a destructive chaotic mess disguised in a grim order called the circle of life or the food chain. Death begets more death to sustain life. We are a complex robot slave that is programmed with our DNA as a form of microchip. Hell DNA has acutally been shown to change in young rats, perhaps it really is. I suppose one could argue that that any religious person is insane, I certainly would.

Deja vu keeps coming back, it reminds me that there is something more to this world than what goes on in this messed up mind.

The girlfriend is home, I'll continue this later...

Jul. 26th, 2010 @ 01:38 pm
For some reason, this video made me somewhat excited. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzgMx-C-TKI

The thought of murdering animals, for sport or to do as a service to an area seemed luring. I thought about how I could possibly be a good soldier, that I could murder people without regret. These thoughts scare me. I think I need help before I go over the edge. I remember a time when I caught a fish I was going to eat for food about a year or two ago. I smacked the damn thing on a rock trying to kill it, but it didn't work. I took a rock and bashed its skull in and then skewered it to cook over a fire. It reminds me of a dream where I repeatedly stabbed a dog in the heart trying to kill it while I watched it die in front of me. It takes a cold heartless man to be able to do such things. It takes this cold heartless man to do such things. I wonder how long it's going to be before I go insane. Sometimes I wonder if it's inevitable.

This could be all genetic, a trait of old times where I would have been a fantastic hunter for a tribe. It could have been the result of a traumatic childhood coupled with poor parenting. Or I could just be fucked up by my own volition. I just don't know. Nobody knows. We need to murder to live. Something has to die if we are going to survive, be it plant or animal. Someone has to do the killing right? The obvious alternative is nutritional synthesis to avoid it all. So who's going to invent that?

Jul. 26th, 2010 @ 10:21 am
You have a disorder if you don't fit in with the current social order.
It seems futile to question that the very root of our probelms could be society.
I've been criticized that I think too much in terms of the big picture and should focus on small steps.
A weed only grows back if you don't pull it up from the root.

I suppose I wouldn't be doing myself justice if I didn't fully utilize my unabashedly confrontive nature and out of the box, big picture thinking.
I'll probably just go back to small steps because that's what they want, and hate myself more along the way.
When so much effort is put into small steps that might not ever get the point across as well as a swift kick in the pants.
Sometimes I wonder if I live to stir up shit in the world.

I could just quit my job and let them go on doing what they do. I'm sure there are lots of people that can happily focus on a life of mediocrity. When the entire effort to help change things is left entirely in my hands, it feels like nobody honestly cares even though they say they do. It must be easy for those that swim on the surface to ignore those that dredge the shit on the bottom for them. This commentary of my job is no different than that of society. As above, so below, the Bible says...

So what small steps could I take? Fully automating the soup kitchen to increase efficiency of food distribution. Murder those that commit crimes to help deter further crimes out of fear. Put cameras on roads and transponders in vehicles to punish those that break driving laws to prevent further problems. The weed is still there.

No, I have the daunting task of single handedly developing a guided motorway system to replace our entire transit system or at least a prototype thereof which will be presented to the current establishment in HOPES that seeing an alternative will persuade a possible change. Take this down to a lower level application to my current job and you will understand where I'm coming from. Small steps sometimes can not be taken when an entire system needs an overhaul. I suppose I'll get back to work on that soup dispenser now...

Jul. 24th, 2010 @ 12:12 am
I don't think I can ever be what you need.
A cleaner apartment.
A better bed to see if it would help me and for you.
Stopped playing WOW and online games for good.
Countless hours and days of research into my condition.
Read books and studies that I had to learn advanced psychology to understand.
Therapy in hopes of finding answers.
Learning how to communicate better despite a crippling mental hinderance.
Working hard at my job to make things better.
Learning advanced programming topics to help with work.
Learning how to acknowledge my anger and frustration.
Overcoming a fear of talking and making noise.
Overcoming a fear of confroning my roomate to lower the extra rent I pay for you.
Taking medication in desperate hope that it will help.
Only to find out it may have possibly damaged me for life.
and the joy I felt while on it was a euphoric high, not me.
Stopping the medication and suffering the pain of withdrawls to prevent more possible damage.
I did this all for you, for us.
While I cling on to a fleeting hope that I might someday...
become what you need.
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