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a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.
Sometimes words are so vague. |
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Dec. 9th, 2009 @ 10:13 am
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Love is selfish,
Love is cruel.
Love is boorish,
Says the fool. |
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Women
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Dec. 2nd, 2009 @ 11:49 am
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I took Christy out for dinner last night. She seems like a very sweet girl and she's kinda fun to be around, but she seems a little distant. I like her, but I'm not sure if there's going to be more than friends with her. I dropped her off at her car and she stalled for a moment, almost as if she were anticipating another kiss. Well, I was holding back, I'm not sure what to do really.
It would appear that I now have three women in my life at this time. At some point I'm going to have to select one. It seems so stupid. Select a woman to get closer with and commit yourself to. Do I really have to? It all seems odd to me, but then again thats my logical mind taking over. There's supposed to be some emotional thing going on and I just seem to not think through that anymore.
Shannon seems like a great long lasting friend that I'm glad to have in my life, but we seem to have a few conflicts and divergent personalities. I enjoy spending time with her, but something just seems to be missing, I'm not sure what that is. I definatly want to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better.
Cherry, now here is a woman I can see myself having a hell of a good time with. She loves me a lot and openly says it which sometimes bothers me because I'm afraid to say the same; I'm not 100% sure and she told me to only tell her I love her if I was certain about it. She seems like a lot of work and has a lot of issues in her life to deal with like getting a job, home, car, and the whole situation with her husband with whom she has separated with. I'm planning on visiting her some day soon, probably when she gets her life straightened out.
I'm just going to enjoy this for now and see where things go. |
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Aquarius and Friendship:
Beneath the detached, unemotional exterior lies a kind hearted friend that will go out of their way to help another. They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They do not expect anything in return for this could put a damper on their freedom, they live with no strings attached. They are very unconventional and always full of excitement, an Aquarius friend always makes life fun. They might offer you a spontaneous last minute camping trip with no supplies prepared, if you decide to go along, you will have a weekend to remember forever!
What it's Like to Date a Aquarius Man:
This man is all about intellectual stimulation. You can be the prettiest girl in the world but if you do not stir his mind, he won't bother. Communication is so important to this man. Deep inside he longs for love but this causes him inner trouble because of his inability to understand emotion so an Aquarius man in love often stumbles on his own words, be patient with him and don't hold it against him because deep inside, he is having fun. Beware that an Aquarius man can fall out of love as easily as falling in love. The woman has to be able to adapt to him, he will not change for anybody and demands respect and understanding for the way he is, no matter how eccentric his ideals are. He needs stimulation and a partner to share life's adventures with, not just someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie all the time. Do not press him emotionally or tie him down with demands and obligations because this will cause him to run. Never be jealous, this is a big red flag to him and he will leave right away, the Aquarius man can never be tied down. If you give him all he needs, he will be completely faithful so you should not worry when he is out on his own, give him space and respect his privacy and all will be well. Aquarius man is for the woman who loves a challenge and adventure.
How to Attract Aquarius:
Communication is key. You must be able to stimulate their minds, engage in a friendly, witty verbal battle but do not expect to come to any conclusions, this is not the point. They crave the brain exercise. If you unable to keep up with the intellect and the unconventional ways that Aquarius is known for, you might want to look elsewhere. Aquarius needs communication compatibility more then anything else. Have variety in your dates, think of interesting things to do like a trip to the zoo, but if you can't think of any crazy idea, leave it up to Aquarius to make plans but do not be surprised if they change the plan in the middle, be flexible like them. They do not like naggers or complainers so keep the talk positive and all should be well. |
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Empty
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Nov. 28th, 2009 @ 09:19 pm
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Something happened a few days ago. I began to feel empty, detached, emotionless. I can watch a good movie and cry, and I did last night, one I had already seen recently too, but that seems to be it. I can hold her close, in a tight embrace and feel nothing but her next to me. I can stare deeply into her eyes and yet, nothing. I can dance with her, slowly, to romantic music and yet feel nothing. I can kiss her passionately, make love to her, empty.
Is this love?
It feels so hollow.
Everything I've ever wanted in life is right in front of me and yet it's almost as if I'm not allowed to have it. I was staring into her eyes one night and felt as if I were going to leave my body, it scared me for a moment, bur I stayed there.
Now fear, that is one thing that has left me recently. I'm no longer afraid of women and being close. I have never felt this confident and empowered in my life.
But, what drives me to be with her, to kiss her, to make love to her? What is operating and pushing this body to be close to hers? She makes me smile, or do I make myself smile? I'd frequently cuddle with her and endure pain for her just so she would be happy and comfortable. I want nothing more that to be with her and please her, to find all the right spots, to see her moan with pleasure and beg for me. I want nothing more than to make her feel happy and loved. I never even consider myself and my pleasure.
Is this love?
It feels so selfless.
I'm not depressed, but I think that I should cry. I'm not sad at all, but I probably should be. I feel no emotion at all, and I can't even say that it hurts because that would be an emotional response. What the fuck happened to me? It feels like it should be depression, but there is no emotion at all behind it.
Desire and my sex drive seems to have left me as well recently. I can browse through countless profiles of women online and feel nothing. I know I'm not homosexual; I feel nothing for men either. I use to masturbate frequently, but now, that desire is just about gone. This loss happened once before when we were together playing World of Warcraft and watching movies. I also noticed something odd that happened yet again; I stopped biting my nails and I have no explanation for this at all.
I spent some time stopping my mind to conquer fears and to take control of my life and not let my emotions dictate how I act. It has helped me immensely however at what cost? Maybe this was a mistake, but weeks ago I felt so much love, such immense love that I had to share it with someone, was I in love with the world? Then, when I shared it with her, it quickly left me and never returned. It's obvious that I can feel love, but how do I get that feeling back? Years ago I was full of it, full of passion and desire, or was it desperation? No, it must have been love.
Part of me wants that childish fear to return, but I know now that it is too late, there is no turning back, ever. I want that boyish crush I had on her years ago to return. I feel so inadequate. What about my desire? Will that ever return? All I know is that I can make her happy and I'm eternally greatful to have made her life better, but where does that leave me?
If this is love, then I want you to know that I love you. If it isn't, then I'm going to find it again and share it with you even if that means losing it yet again. |
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Date
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Nov. 14th, 2009 @ 05:59 pm
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I went on a date with Christy today. We went bowling, I beat her both games, but I gave her the first game anyway. She got bonus points for being cute. We then went to the Natick mall, walked around and took a look at some of the stores. Sat in this awesome bean bag type seat that was just awesome. I wanted to get one and probably would have if I had my own place. We had some pizza and talked for well over an hour. We seem to get along well and I'm interested in seeing where things may go. |
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Nov. 12th, 2009 @ 11:44 pm
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I asked Christy out to dinner and she accepted. We just need to work out a day when we are both not busy; maybe tomorrow night. We seem to be astrologically compatable; things seem promising. My astrology books seem to point to potential marriage material O.o |
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More specifically, I'm killing the boy within me and learning how to be a man. This is something that has been long since coming and is long overdue. Most adult "men" these days are men by name only, myself included. I think I finally found the change I've been looking for that has been nagging me like a splinter in my mind. |
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Nov. 9th, 2009 @ 11:07 am
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I'm trying something new. This should be interesting and fun. |
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Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 03:53 pm
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Time to change the path I'm on; I don't like where it's heading.
It's time for me to take some chances and to clean up my life. |
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