Just Another Universe

It's Always 3AM Somewhere

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:00:36 GMT

So much has happened over the past few days. I started dating Christy again, but ended up just deciding to be friends for now. I pretty much put everything aside for Cherry. I've decided to finally meet her this February and stay for a week. Oh the things we will do! What to name my cocroach with platemail armor?

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 23:41:29 GMT

Of all the stupid things I've done in my life, this has to have been the worst.

Being dishonest with oneself does not project genuine honesty onto others.

Reflecting on the thoughts and feelings I ignored I now see just how stupid I was.

Now I may have lost a friend forever.

Someone who trusted me dearly.

And now I fear that I may have put her in a position that is worse off then when I came back into her life.

Well this certainly was a learning experience.

Never again...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:58:41 GMT

For most of my life, in actions and decisions I make, I always seem to look towards the end goal or end possibilities or possible outcome. I always seem to want to have everything perfect. I'm very critical and selective sometimes and often it ends up completely halting any decision from being made. I'd often spend more and more time looking for a more optimal solution, something perfect.

The programs I would write would have to be the must beautiful and optimized code that is adaptable to any situation. I remember battling myself inside my own mind trying to decide what exactly to do and sometimes would just never end up with an answer and things wouldn't ever get done. Ideas and dreams would never flourish into something, even if it was not perfect or what I had initially hoped for.

This applies to many aspects in my life. My search for love has been met with much conflict and confusion. I have to admit, neither Shannon or Cherry seem to be perfect for me, but what really is perfect? What is a relationship in this context? If anything it is two friends sharing their lives and as such, the more the two have in common and the more the two agree on things, the easier things will be. Otherwise, compromise becomes a major part of the relationship and if too much is required, then things may break down.

I could simply settle for what I have now, either one, but part of me wants something better. I know I could easily pursue other relationships, but part of me just doesn't want to. I'm sure I could find another woman to be with, people go through this their whole lives. But part of me wants to find something that is going to last forever.

Sometimes I'm just so impatient and want things to happen now. I could very well start living with someone and probably would if the opportunity were there. I'd simply rush into something just to try it and be there. However, I need to consider the feelings of others.

These two women love me. I've made both of them happy, moreso then I really knew or may ever know. I should feel wonderful to be loved, but it hurts inside. I know I could have a happy life with either of them or any woman for that matter.

I'm really worried for Shannon. It seems like her happiness in life is coming from me more than herself which disturbs me. She tells me about how happy I've made her, how much she was actually looking forward to Christmas and feeling good about it. Now I may have ruined all that for her by instilling doubt into her mind as to what my decision will be. I really don't want to see her retreat back to where she was before. I really want to help her become a more beautiful woman and if things don't work out between us; help her find love. I don't know what "men" she may have been involved with in the past that has made her so cynnical, bitter, and defensive, but I suspect that they were men by name and not virtue. A virtue I strive for now in my life.

Cherry is that girl I never met and yet touched her life so much so that she loves me dearly for it. She tells me about how she would get into relationships and still think about me more. How she would get involved with someone simply because they are there, closer, readily available. Now, I wonder if I'm doing the same to her. After going through the heartbreak she put me through over that, I really don't want her to suffer that same pain.

So now, I can't help but question what love is. It's a feeling within the body that attracts someone to another person. At one point in my life it would come readily, burning brightly within. Now, it would appear that my heart has changed, it feels rather empty with people. However some things in my life can really set it off. When I was working on the design of that painting I wanted to make, I felt such a great love that stayed with me for some time. I can only hope to find that with someone, but something tells me that it isn't going to happen like that anymore and I'm going to have to build it up over time with someone.

Emotions and feelings like these are generated by chemicals released by the brain. Our reactions to them, I believe, are programmed into us at birth. We're told to smile when happy and frown when sad much in the way we are told the names of colors and what they look like. These emotions will control our lives and our actions; we are essentially bio-chemical robots. However there is one thing that prevents us from being simply machines; it is that construct of decision, choice, which is within us in our control to live within these emotions or to live by our will alone.

I've been focusing these last few years on my life on that alone and worked towards releasing emotions and feelings from dictating my life. Without emotional influence, my decisions would be based solely on my core being, whatever that may be. Now that I am faced with a decision to make, I am crippled by my compassion for those who live far more emotionally than myself.

I spoke with Shannon today, and without knowing it, I was smiling the whole time. This is only unusual, because the entire situation was incredibly emotional for her, and it slowly crept into me. She asked me how I could be smiling this whole time, it was as if to her, I didn't care, but that could not be further from the truth. The more we talked and the more she cried, the more and more it seeped into me. I may have been smiling, but I was crying inside. Perhaps I found some universal happiness within me. I certainly have not felt more relaxed and more at ease in my life than within these past couple years.

The important question remains: what do I want?

I want a woman I can go fishing with, camping, kayaking, watch movies with, watch anime, Star Trek and other sci-fi stuff, or try something different and explore random movies on a top listing. Someone that isn't afraid to play in the mud, but also someone that can dress up for a special occasion. Someone that shows concern for the world and shows interest in my pursuit to find solutions. Someone I can come home to and cook a nice meal with once in a while or go out and have sushi or whatever I'm in the mood for or even something new. Someone I can share my crazy adventures with like the destruction of Zhu Zhu hamsters and maybe even give me crazier ideas for fun. Someone who can spark insightful thought within me and discuss something without me having to bring it up. Someone who I can watch a video about the impact of economic gobalization or the origin of religions and their ties to psychotropic drugs. Someone who can think up fun things to do together or just stay home and play video games. Someone smart who can think for themselves and has a willingness to learn. I'm sure there is more to be listed here, but I really need to think about it.

I can do all these things on my own or with a friend, but I'd rather share it with someone special. In all honesty, it appears that I'm looking for myself based on these things I listed. If anything, I'm looking for a really good friend to spend my life with. Knowing that there is only one of me in this existence, I may have to accept those I find and compromise to suit others' desires. I think I may need to talk with my father about all this; something I have never done before.

impetuousness

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 06:28:13 GMT

Ya, so I was going to write some long ass post about how fucked up I am and how impatient I am and how I'm rushing into things. Great. Anyhow.

Then I talk with Shannon, for six and a half hours and wonder what the fuck I was thinking about Cherry and almost felt guilty to even have feelings with her and Shannon at the same time and plan out time with her up until Christmas. I even planned to say no to Cherry.

Then I talk to Cherry and realize how much she loves me and how I never even gave her a chance and think about and plan out how I can visit her this weekend. I'll be amazed if I even pull that off. Then Shannon will probably be pissed off with me.

Then I wonder what the fuck to do.

What do I want for myself? I want to visit Cherry, and I'm going to.

I still have feelings for both of these women even if I try to deny them.

One (hopefully not both) of them is going to be hurt in the end, and at least now they are accepting that as a possibility and will be mature about it. Well, I chose to be human and to try this out, I need to face the good and the bad.

I'm half expecting to get chewed up by Shannon for posting this.

I think I may just need to slow things down no matter how much I want to be with someone right now.

There is so much more on my mind I'm not getting out now and I'll probably post some other time. I know now that I need to be brutally honest with myself and really look at what I'm doing before I hurt others.

Why does love, as I'm seeing it now, seem to evil and wrong? As odd as this my sound, I want to share my love with many people (women) and help their lives, but that just isn't allowed apparantly.

Sometimes I wonder if someone/something is controlling my life right now and it bothers me a lot. Where's my tinfoil hat when I need it?

Because You Wanted Words

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:13:38 GMT

When I'm close with you staring deeply into your eyes I feel like I'm not here on earth; I feel like I'm looking through my eyes instead of with them. I feel so peaceful; the entire world disappears and time ceases to exist. You evoke a joy in me that is like no other; it is unique in it's own expression. Sometimes you captivate me beyond thoughts and words, so much so that I can only speak with actions. Sometimes I want to hold you tightly, almost too tight. That sometime is now.

Romance:

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:45:06 GMT

a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

Sometimes words are so vague.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:13:13 GMT

Love is selfish,
Love is cruel.
Love is boorish,
Says the fool.

Women

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:49:24 GMT

I took Christy out for dinner last night. She seems like a very sweet girl and she's kinda fun to be around, but she seems a little distant. I like her, but I'm not sure if there's going to be more than friends with her. I dropped her off at her car and she stalled for a moment, almost as if she were anticipating another kiss. Well, I was holding back, I'm not sure what to do really.

It would appear that I now have three women in my life at this time. At some point I'm going to have to select one. It seems so stupid. Select a woman to get closer with and commit yourself to. Do I really have to? It all seems odd to me, but then again thats my logical mind taking over. There's supposed to be some emotional thing going on and I just seem to not think through that anymore.

Shannon seems like a great long lasting friend that I'm glad to have in my life, but we seem to have a few conflicts and divergent personalities. I enjoy spending time with her, but something just seems to be missing, I'm not sure what that is. I definatly want to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better.

Cherry, now here is a woman I can see myself having a hell of a good time with. She loves me a lot and openly says it which sometimes bothers me because I'm afraid to say the same; I'm not 100% sure and she told me to only tell her I love her if I was certain about it. She seems like a lot of work and has a lot of issues in her life to deal with like getting a job, home, car, and the whole situation with her husband with whom she has separated with. I'm planning on visiting her some day soon, probably when she gets her life straightened out.

I'm just going to enjoy this for now and see where things go.

Yay Astrology! (so true and accurate it's scary!)

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:23:12 GMT

Aquarius and Friendship:
Beneath the detached, unemotional exterior lies a kind hearted friend that will go out of their way to help another. They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They do not expect anything in return for this could put a damper on their freedom, they live with no strings attached. They are very unconventional and always full of excitement, an Aquarius friend always makes life fun. They might offer you a spontaneous last minute camping trip with no supplies prepared, if you decide to go along, you will have a weekend to remember forever!

What it's Like to Date a Aquarius Man:
This man is all about intellectual stimulation. You can be the prettiest girl in the world but if you do not stir his mind, he won't bother. Communication is so important to this man. Deep inside he longs for love but this causes him inner trouble because of his inability to understand emotion so an Aquarius man in love often stumbles on his own words, be patient with him and don't hold it against him because deep inside, he is having fun. Beware that an Aquarius man can fall out of love as easily as falling in love. The woman has to be able to adapt to him, he will not change for anybody and demands respect and understanding for the way he is, no matter how eccentric his ideals are. He needs stimulation and a partner to share life's adventures with, not just someone to sit on the couch and watch a movie all the time. Do not press him emotionally or tie him down with demands and obligations because this will cause him to run. Never be jealous, this is a big red flag to him and he will leave right away, the Aquarius man can never be tied down. If you give him all he needs, he will be completely faithful so you should not worry when he is out on his own, give him space and respect his privacy and all will be well. Aquarius man is for the woman who loves a challenge and adventure.

How to Attract Aquarius:
Communication is key. You must be able to stimulate their minds, engage in a friendly, witty verbal battle but do not expect to come to any conclusions, this is not the point. They crave the brain exercise. If you unable to keep up with the intellect and the unconventional ways that Aquarius is known for, you might want to look elsewhere. Aquarius needs communication compatibility more then anything else. Have variety in your dates, think of interesting things to do like a trip to the zoo, but if you can't think of any crazy idea, leave it up to Aquarius to make plans but do not be surprised if they change the plan in the middle, be flexible like them. They do not like naggers or complainers so keep the talk positive and all should be well.

Empty

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:20:01 GMT

Something happened a few days ago. I began to feel empty, detached, emotionless. I can watch a good movie and cry, and I did last night, one I had already seen recently too, but that seems to be it. I can hold her close, in a tight embrace and feel nothing but her next to me. I can stare deeply into her eyes and yet, nothing. I can dance with her, slowly, to romantic music and yet feel nothing. I can kiss her passionately, make love to her, empty.

Is this love?
It feels so hollow.

Everything I've ever wanted in life is right in front of me and yet it's almost as if I'm not allowed to have it. I was staring into her eyes one night and felt as if I were going to leave my body, it scared me for a moment, bur I stayed there.

Now fear, that is one thing that has left me recently. I'm no longer afraid of women and being close. I have never felt this confident and empowered in my life.

But, what drives me to be with her, to kiss her, to make love to her? What is operating and pushing this body to be close to hers? She makes me smile, or do I make myself smile? I'd frequently cuddle with her and endure pain for her just so she would be happy and comfortable. I want nothing more that to be with her and please her, to find all the right spots, to see her moan with pleasure and beg for me. I want nothing more than to make her feel happy and loved. I never even consider myself and my pleasure.

Is this love?
It feels so selfless.

I'm not depressed, but I think that I should cry. I'm not sad at all, but I probably should be. I feel no emotion at all, and I can't even say that it hurts because that would be an emotional response. What the fuck happened to me? It feels like it should be depression, but there is no emotion at all behind it.

Desire and my sex drive seems to have left me as well recently. I can browse through countless profiles of women online and feel nothing. I know I'm not homosexual; I feel nothing for men either. I use to masturbate frequently, but now, that desire is just about gone. This loss happened once before when we were together playing World of Warcraft and watching movies. I also noticed something odd that happened yet again; I stopped biting my nails and I have no explanation for this at all.

I spent some time stopping my mind to conquer fears and to take control of my life and not let my emotions dictate how I act. It has helped me immensely however at what cost? Maybe this was a mistake, but weeks ago I felt so much love, such immense love that I had to share it with someone, was I in love with the world? Then, when I shared it with her, it quickly left me and never returned. It's obvious that I can feel love, but how do I get that feeling back? Years ago I was full of it, full of passion and desire, or was it desperation? No, it must have been love.

Part of me wants that childish fear to return, but I know now that it is too late, there is no turning back, ever. I want that boyish crush I had on her years ago to return. I feel so inadequate. What about my desire? Will that ever return? All I know is that I can make her happy and I'm eternally greatful to have made her life better, but where does that leave me?

If this is love, then I want you to know that I love you. If it isn't, then I'm going to find it again and share it with you even if that means losing it yet again.

Date

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 22:59:35 GMT

I went on a date with Christy today. We went bowling, I beat her both games, but I gave her the first game anyway. She got bonus points for being cute. We then went to the Natick mall, walked around and took a look at some of the stores. Sat in this awesome bean bag type seat that was just awesome. I wanted to get one and probably would have if I had my own place. We had some pizza and talked for well over an hour. We seem to get along well and I'm interested in seeing where things may go.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 04:44:26 GMT

I asked Christy out to dinner and she accepted. We just need to work out a day when we are both not busy; maybe tomorrow night. We seem to be astrologically compatable; things seem promising. My astrology books seem to point to potential marriage material O.o

I'm killing myself

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:47:59 GMT

More specifically, I'm killing the boy within me and learning how to be a man. This is something that has been long since coming and is long overdue. Most adult "men" these days are men by name only, myself included. I think I finally found the change I've been looking for that has been nagging me like a splinter in my mind.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:09:01 GMT

I'm trying something new. This should be interesting and fun.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:55:34 GMT

Time to change the path I'm on; I don't like where it's heading.

It's time for me to take some chances and to clean up my life.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:46:57 GMT

Probably withdrawls from ditching WoW for like the 5th time. Do I log back in and say goodbye to my e-friends or do I just uninstall it yet again? I'm sure I'll be back to my old self within a week or so. Predictable human body no doubt!

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:41:48 GMT

I've yet again had suicidal thoughts, and this time I can't blame it on medication. Everything around me is just a painful reminder of how fucked up my life really is. I could change it, but I don't. Why? Maybe I want to live as a depressed and meaningless loser. Besides, I've changed it before only to end up back where I am now. Whats the point? Why should I bother anyways; this world is slowing going deeper down the shitter every year, why should I bother clogging it with yet another fucking turd?

I'm the one holding myself back, I'm my greatest enemy. It's almost as if suicide is the ultimate solution. Cutting seems too messy, and I doubt I would ever do that. Hanging seems like too much work and setup. I'm not familiar with any tall buildings to jump off of. I don't own a gun. I don't have any pills I can OD on and I doubt that would be an enjoyable experience. But no, I'd never go through with that, it's better for me to suffer endlessly by my own vices.

What me? No I'm not!

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:45:16 GMT

After filtering through over 500 women's profiles and finding next to nothing of serious or requited interest, I think I've become rather jaded...

On an interesting note I had a dream about romantic involvement with an old friend, Emily Dale (Who somehow left a shoe at my office in the dream) and with a cousin of mine. It was rather unusual, but happy.

Pardon me (to all one or two of you that actually reads this trash) for being shallow for a moment, but the women I find are either ugly or just don't interest me in the least bit. Well, I decided to participate in the cruel and unforgiving game of date selection. A game where appearance and personality are everything, where acceptance and settling leaves you unhappy and unfufilled. In the process, participating in the mind yet again; it can be rather cruel, unforgiving, brash, and unloving. Whatever keeps the system going I suppose.

There is one potential woman from New York, about a 3 hour drive away. No picture was posted, and the only thought that really came to mind was that I just know I'm not going to be attracted to her physically. It feels unusually uncharacteristic of me to be so shallow, but hey, that's love right? It's gotta be perfect or you are just going to be hurt or let down in the future. My impetiousness has been my undoing for far too long. I've also been far too dishonest with myself in looking for someone, that's changing now...

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:51:44 GMT

Our value in society is determined by our occupation and the magnitude of this value in relation to others is determined by the occupation's volume of contributions to this fucked up system that we live in.

On a side note:
Aion Online sucks.

Back to work I go...

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:21:05 GMT

What to do with my life?

I'm considering just jumping in and getting my own house/condo. My parents said that may help with the down payment. I'll probably have $30k saved by the end of this year if things go well. Then I will be able to play guitar and paint and maybe even do something other than that stupid World of Warcraft.

I'm getting tired of flipping through dozens of online profiles each week in search of women. It's almost become a chore. At first, I felt a little guilty closing out matches, but at this point, bring on the next reject... That's pretty cold of my to say I guess. Although, when I see some of them talk about how much they value honesty and hate being lied to, that's one big red flag. Then there's the occation shy ones that I'd rather not spend the time to work on.

I still question why I am on this search to begin with. I can think of other important selfless things to do with my life such as helping the world. I wonder if I am just jealous of the many people around me getting married. It just seems like the thing to do, but to me it just seems like following some animalistic tendencies. Should I just move on or submit to the system like everyone else already has?

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:07:15 GMT

Feeling better, more balanced at least. Theres a new girl that sits across from me that's kinda cute. She started about a week or two ago. I kinda like her, but don't know anything about her or if she even likes me. I almost want to go off about myself in a self-loathing manner, but I honestly can't bring myself to do so, not anymore; I actually feel good about myself despite my downfalls.

I've been having second thoughts about these online dating websites; I really could care less about the people I find there. Generally it seems like most of the people on them are either very shy or have been hurt in a relationship and it sometimes shows in their profiles.

I really question if I want a relationship or just someone to fuck. It just doesn't feel right to just use someone for sex, but I suppose if the intention is mutual, then who cares?

Sometimes I think about settling down, finding a good woman and buying a nice home, however at this rate I doubt it will happen. I tend to waste too much time on my computer at home and really can't think of much that I would want to do outside, at least not often. One needs to get out and find people, they just don't come to you.

At some point, I will probably get my own place, simply because I need something better than the shithole apartment I'm living in; I can't paint there and I can't play guitar either. I really want to get a new acoustic guitar too. At this point, it's just working, saving money, and staying home.

When it comes to women, taking chances, and being confident about myself are two things I really need to work on. Generally though, I really question the need for a woman; it seems just seems like living out the human condition when there could be much more to life than living as designed, as bizzare and confusing as that may sound.

Maybe I should at least try it before I die...

Fucking Emotional Cycle

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:11:35 GMT

From full of happiness and love to nothing but lethargy, apathy, and moderate despondance. These emotions seem unfounded and came suddenly out of nowhere without thought or reason. Why did I chose to be human? Why was I choosing to pursue a relationship when I really could care less? The only reason is to experience what it is to be human, and fuck that.

I'm back to where I was before, except this time, everyone around me is getting married and having kids. I, for some reason, really don't want either, but having this shit around me is just pushing me to me limits of tolerance for existence.

Not another time loop; I think I may have just ended up where I started and God is mocking me. Who knows, this whole emotionally detached personality of mine may very well have just been my programming.

I want nothing to do with all this right now, but it's not like I have much of a choice, I'm stuck here and I doubt death for anyone will ever be the answer to the suffering in this world.

Then things will get better like they were before, I'll be happy and excited and full of life and love; wanting to pursue everything. Shifting polarities ripping me apart, drawing me one way and then the other, both ways being the opposite direction of where I should be going to get away from all this.

There really is something wrong with this world; something just isn't right. I've felt this for years, almost intuitively.

I looked into astrology to see the blueprints for the humans' mental structure and saw that it seems to be very accurate if applied correctly. The reasons for this could be anything, but to me, it seems like a design. It could very well simply be something scientific about how the location of planets in relation to when you are born influences how the brain forms or something, but how? Their current position in our solar system also affects the behaviour of people. The moon also seems to have some influence on people, I've heard of people behaving unusually during a cycle of a full moon. I could be wrong, I hope I am; that would mean that there could be something more than enslavement...

I just had a sudden moment of panic and sadness, that maybe I am trapped here.

(sometimes I wonder if anyone were to ever read this journal if they would understand me or just think of me as an eccentric fool)

Sometimes I Wonder

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 19:17:07 GMT

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living out the programming of God's sadistic will.

All these emotions and feelings have been coming out of nowhere for seemingly no reason. Perhaps they were inspired, but it doesn't feel like it. It's almsot as if there is some driving force pushing me to act. Maybe I need to come back down to earth and just give in already; I've pretty much given in at this point.

In terms of women, I find that I love with my mind, almost as if I create something that isn't them in my head, like a fantasy, and end up yearning for it, only to find myself falling short. To lower standards and be accepting of someone that may not be perfect? Yet again I over think and over-analyze things and miss opportunities to find out what it means to be human; even if it does turn out to be a slave to God and his creation.

Alone still...

WTF

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:29:16 GMT

In a dream I had last night, I had sex with Allison Condon, a girl I went to high school with and have been recently conversing with on Facebook. Strange dream indeed... It involved Astrology, more specifically me telling her about her current boyfriend. The sex seemed awkward and clunky for me, but kinda fun. There were some strong visual moments and physical feelings. I'm not sure what to make of it, so I'll just dismiss it as my mind sorting out various issues and thoughts in my life.

Searching

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:30:07 GMT

Of all the interesting and fascinating women in the world... you only get to pick one.

I do not want to settle for just any woman; my downfall or my penchant; she has to be perfect for me.

A new and adventurous challenge awaits...